Did you know that it is illegal to let your dog sleep in your bathtub in Brooklyn? Or name your child Monica in Equatorial Guinea. Or slam your car door shut in Switzerland.Or what about it being illegal to marry your wife’s grandmother in Kentucky?
Now we have added more loony laws in the U.S. Such as the dog barking ordinance. (If your dog barks four times per minute for more than ten minutes, or two times a minute for at least a half hour, both the owner of the dog and the dog would be in violation of said law and fined accordingly.) Now really. Would that mean that they’d actually count the amount of barks.And what about a howl? Is a howl in violation? Isn’t that what dogs are supposed to do? Bark or howl? Isn’t that their only form of communication? And what is a cop supposed to do? Stand there and count on his fingers while a bank is being held up down the bock.
And what about the latest car regulations in Connecticut, including: No eating while behind a wheel of a moving vehicle. I can understand a gourmet meal, like lobster Newburg or spaghetti with clams, which tend to be a bit messy and requires a certain amount of dexterity. But a bagel or a banana? Really
Isn’t it more dangerous to pass out cold from starvation? And what about cough drops or breath fresheners? Do they fall into the food category? I’m not sure. Both are chewed and swallowed. Hmmm. How about chewing without swallowing? Like chewing gum? (Not bubble gum. Admittedly, bubbles can be distracting.) Especially large ones. Or your bottom lip? Or fingernails? Or what if we chewed on a hot dog and spit it out? That wouldn’t actually be eating. Would it? You could probably beat it in court.
Another thing, what about beverages? Both eating and drinking require swallowing. Or is chewing much more distracting than swallowing? It’s all very confusing.
Another gem, changing stations on your radio, is also against the law in Connecticut. What are they going to do? Hide under our seats and video our every move? And what about lowering the radio? Is that permitted? Particularly if your teenage kid (while you’re not looking) raises the volume to an ear-shattering pitch that would cause a dog to hurl itself off a cliff and you to jump out of your pants and smash into the closest pole. Question: In that case, would it be illegal to smash the radio with a sledge hammer?
Another thing, what about giving someone the finger? (the fingerer) Or getting the finger? (the fingeree) The Brilliant Ones are trying to make that illegal too. And if so, wouldn’t that be in violation of freedom of expression? I mean, it’s just as innocuous as actually saying the Four Letter Words, for God’s sake.
Laws are getting so crazy, they’ve even made it illegal in New York to take up two seats on trains. What if your butt equals two seats? Then what? Do you only drape one cheek on the seat and hang the other off the side? Isn’t that butt discrimination? I’ll bet you’d have a case.
Here’s a quiz to see how well you deal with distractions:
You’re driving along. Your dog has pooped in your car. Do you:
a. open the window and air it out
b. spray the car with disinfectant
c. drive with your left hand and clean up the mess with your right
You’re doing fifty. A deer runs out in front of your car. Do you:
a. veer out of the way
b. yell and wave your hands out the window, like a raving maniac
c. stop short. Get out and feed it
Your toddler is screaming and trying to climb out of his seat. Do you:
a. patiently talk to your child
b. plug up your ears
c. turn around and read to him
As your driving, a rather large bee flies in your window. Do you:
a. open a window and brush it out
b. scream frantically and flail your arms
c. chase it around the car with a rolled up newspaper and try to bash its brains in.
You’re on a main highway and your vision is a little blurry. Do you:
a. put on your driving glasses
b. put contacts in
c. close your eyes and rest them for one exit
You’ve been driving a while and get a cramp in your foot. Do you:
a. wiggle it around to return circulation
b. rub it vigorously with your right hand
c. jump up and down until the pain subsides
You’re driving a long while and you’re bored. Would you:
a. hum a little tune
b. read a magazine
c. do a crossword puzzle
If you don’t score all a’s, I suggest walking instead. That is until they find a law against it.
Bottom line, with cameras clicking at every other traffic light. And new laws being enforced every five minutes, we’re being turned into paranoid, frustrated nervous wrecks. Between you and me, there ought to be a law against it.