I never thought I’d find myself here. Though I’m sure nobody ever really expects to end up where they find themselves years 10 years out of high school,I’m at a loss as to how I got here. I’ve learned a lot of lessons along the way. I’ve met the best of people and faced the worst of demons more times then I’d like to admit. I’ve betrayed people, I’ve hurt people and I’ve in turn received the same. Despite hurting those in my quest to find out who I’m supposed to be, I think I turned out better then I thought I would. I am not successful, though I make a decent living. I’m not talking about a big house a fancy car and sadly even a diamond on my finger. I’m talking about the person I have become. In elementary school, I was made fun of, pushed around, and even mocked by an entire classroom, to where I ran home 3 miles crying, only to be sent back on foot by my mother. We were poor. I don’t mean poor as in no we can’t afford college, I mean poor as in we spent many months in my childhood, without electricity and sometimes food.
I left at 15 no longer able to cope with daily beatings and mockery by my own mother who was supposed to protect me from such harshness as a child. I proceeded to live my own life free of guidance. I did however have a powerful need to prove my worthiness to the world. I hung out with bad crowds who did drugs and got into minor trouble of the sorts, but I managed to keep my head above water into adult hood. I’ve suffered heart aches, heart breaks and deaths of friends who deemed it unnecessary to continue living. I’ve found the best of friends who above all saw a good person in me and who believed in me. That was nearly impossible for me to understand. So how did I get here? How did I find myself, a 27 year old woman living in Orange County who finds so many reasons to smile everyday. How is it that I find such joy in helping others when help was not something given to me when I needed it most?
How did I not go mad and take the easy way out. How did life not get the best of me? I look back and wonder how I made it out. I never thought I’d make it this far. I never thought I’d live to see myself turn 27. I used to be afraid that my upbringing would lead me to be the same malice person my mother was. I was scared I would turn into her. Would I beat my children? Would I mock them and make them believe they were nothing? I used to be afraid. I’m no longer afraid. I know now… there is no way I would ever lay a hand on a precious child. I could never bring myself to utter any hateful words nor deprive a child of the importance of self assurance and emotional support. I fear for our children who have no choice, and no voice, for not many will be as lucky as I. Not all of us will make it out alive. Not all of us will make it out with our souls intact. Too many of us will inevitably be lost along the way. It’s sad really,… to think…. I never thought I’d make it this far. I never thought I’d live to see 27.