Have you just come into some money? Are you afraid someone will steal it? Worried that, if your husband finds out about it, he’ll spend it all on cucumbers again? Concerned your children will steal some and buy drugs? Or condoms? Or some sort of drug-condom hybrid, the likes of which you cannot even begin to fathom? Well, the obvious solution is to hide it.
“But, Stephen,” you say, which actually is incorrect, because my name is Andrew, “I’ve tried hiding money before. I put $300 dollars in my left shoe, only to find out weeks later that my cobbler had at it. And I can’t afford one of those posh “money hiding services” you always hear about in Daily Variety. And even if I could, they’d probably just use my personal information to start counterfeiting hats under my name.” Well, to be honest, they probably would do that. I read about it in a movie once. But haberdashery fraud aside, there is another way.
You can cheaply and efficiently hide money in your own house, without any high priced assistants, and without any fear of some snot-nosed spouse dipping into it to fund their seasoning salt addiction. I’ll tell you how.
Firstly, don’t ask any friends or family members for help picking out a proper stashing spot. Not only does this clue them in on your bulging pockets, but it assures them that you’re absolute rubbish at hiding things. You’ll also want to remember not to hide the money with other hidden objects. You wouldn’t want your eight year old scrounging around for toffee and walking away with cash in hand and candy in mouth, leading to reckless spending and painful cavities.
Let’s take a look at some everyday hiding places and contrast their pros with their cons.
In The Cupboard, Behind A Bottle Of Red Wine Vinegar
Pros Family members don’t normally look for things behind the vinegar
Cons God help you if your daughter develops a taste for vinegar daiquiris
In The Veggie Crisper
Pros None of your children would DARE go near the veggie crisper
Cons When you forget where you’ve hidden the money, neither will you
Underneath A Large Rock
Pros Not really a place people just stumble upon
Cons Those earthworms are greedy conniving little buggers
Buried In The Back Yard
Pros You can pretend you’re a pirate while you’re burying it; maybe make yourself a treasure map
Cons Again, earthworms
I think you get the idea. Hopefully this little guide has gotten you ready for a good old-fashioned money-stash. And if all else fails, have more children. Your money will disappear before you know it.